I Wasn't Told This Before College #7: An Inconvenient Truth: College Edition

   When I came into college, I thought it would be an amazing place of freedom, learning, and happiness. But I've come to learn a few things since the day I moved in:

1. Sharing bathrooms for the sake of not having to clean them is not worth it.
2.  Avoid the ice cream place when the temperature exceeds 70 degrees F.
3. Chemistry is unspeakable.
4. Grief doesn't mix well with the college transition.
5. Schools leading up to college do nothing to adequately prepare you for college.

   The first two points are pretty self-explanatory. I chose to live on a specific part of campus so I did not need to clean the bathrooms. I'll spare you a detailed description and just leave you with the fact that two weeks in, I was willing to clean the bathroom. As for avoiding the ice cream shop, you see, Ohio had it's own April Fool's Day trick called "Heat Columbus to Nearly 80 degrees." I walked into the cafe that sells ice cream three different times during the day and  each time the line stretched almost all the way out the door.

   I do not wish to explain number three because Chemistry is unspeakable. I guess I do have to mention it later to explain number 5, but the less I have to think about it, the better. Oh look. Someone threw that textbook across the room. Huh. Wait.

  Numbers 4 and 5 are the most important points though.

  Number 4: Grief doesn't mix well with the college transition. Everyone tells you before college that it is a big transition. But no one tells you how massive the transition is. And grief is hard enough. No need to mix them.

   Unfortunately, that's what happened to me. 

   My grandpa, affectionately called Poppy, passed away in March 2013. His wife, my grandma affectionately called Dahgo, passed away seven months later, in October 2013. They were incredibly important to my entire family. They babysat my sister and I while my mom worked. They were present at every birthday party or family gathering for the entire 18 years I knew them. I miss them more than I can say. 

   But there comes a problem with grief and living on your own. Now I don't live that far from my family, but I still am removed from them. They are surrounded by Dahgo and Poppy's belongings and pictures. As my mom puts it, 2013 was a tsunami, and I managed to escape to a little refugee camp called Ohio State. But this semester, the water has started to trickle in, with flash floods occurring more and more frequently.  

   But before I delve more on that, let's talk about number 5.

   Number 5: Schools before college do nothing to adequately prepare you for college. You're probably thinking "whoa, whoa, whoa. That's a bold statement, especially coming from someone who has only been in college for a year." Yeah, well, it doesn't take more than a month to figure it out.

   The entirety of high school is devoted to getting into college. High schoolers join clubs, volunteer, work part-time jobs, take AP classes, etc. All to get into college. But once you're in college, no one cares about that. The professors don't treat you differently because you got a 32 on your ACT. 

   What you do realize is that you suddenly are tossed into a lake and you don't know how to swim. People stand around telling you to grab the life preserver, but every time you get close enough to reach it, it gets dragged away from you. 

   I've been over my not knowing how to study. I was kind of prepared to have to tackle that. But no one ever told me that I wouldn't know how to fail.

   I am currently clueless as to whether or not I'll pass chemistry. Grades and curves and points. Nothing makes sense. No one knows anything. I work incredibly hard and I don't get anything from it. 

   I got a research position in a lab. Me. A freshman. I beat out all these sophomores and juniors who are far better candidates then me. And I feel blessed to have it. But I can't get through one project in the lab without feeling like a screw up. It's nothing that the grad student I work with said or the PI or anyone. It's the fact that for the entirety of my life so far mistakes were punished. You lose points. You get cut from things. And now making mistakes frightens me. 
   That's how school doesn't prepare you for college. They want you to get to college, so they punish you if something goes wrong, but they don't instruct you on how to fix it. They praise people who get good grades and test scores, and those who don't are left behind. I got pretty good grades in high school. I did really well on tests. But I am suffering in college because no one told me how to make mistakes. 
  And when you combine numbers 4 and 5, it's like you are reaching for the life preserver and suddenly a boat speeds by and the waves not only drag the life preserver further from your grasp, but they're so powerful that they drag you under water for a time too.
   That's how I felt a few weeks ago. The week after I got back from spring break, I was overwhelmed by the amount of work that didn't get done over break. And trust me, it wasn't laziness. It was "I just worked in a lab for 8 hours, I honestly have no desire to think any more today." But when I got back and realized I had so much to do, I panicked. But I got it done. And then I panicked about something else. But I got it done. 
   And then that Thursday, my professor discussed the previous exam, which I flat out failed. That set me crying. And then I went to the lab. I was okay, but shaky. And then I messed a few things up. Small things not worth the stress. But then I started crying again. And this time I couldn't stop. 
   Later when I was able to have dinner with my mom, we discussed everything I said above. We discussed the idea of the tsunami. She pointed out that the week before had been one year since Poppy passed away. The women of my family have the ability to be calm and helpful in chaos, and then react later. My reaction was just a bit later than the rest of the family. 
   And this is why numbers 4 and 5 should never be combined. Leaving your family  to live on your own( no matter how close you live to them), learning to control your own finances, struggle to do well in class, and still find joy in life is what the college transition really is. That's what being an adult is. That's the life preserver.

   This time, I don't have to explain my continued struggle. I just did. I am fighting an uphill battle. I have suffered a meltdown. I get frustrated daily, nearly to the point of tears because everything I have known to this point is different.
   My very wise mother told me that college is a new part of my life. Until now, everything has pretty much been determined for me, but now I am in control. Don't get me wrong, I like being in control of my own life, but it doesn't exactly come with an instruction manual. Perhaps that's why I keep writing these; so someone else doesn't make the same mistakes I did. Or maybe, just so someone else knows they aren't alone in feeling the same way. Because that's part of it. You start to think it's just you, and that everyone else can catch the life preserver. And I feel that way a lot. Everyone else seems to be okay in chemistry, or can pull their feelings together, and I am going mad because I can't.
   But that's the inconvenient truth about college. No one can catch the life preserver. They can only convince you they're already saved. 

MORAL OF THE STORY: The transition to college is 1000x harder than anyone will lead you to believe, and only a very small part is because of shared bathrooms.