This Post Starts Out Fun, but You'll Never Guess What Happens Next

Yesterday my boyfriend and I were discussing Star Wars. Recently he, as well as my mother, roommate, friends, and a probably a significant portion of Americans, are disappointed in me because I, a self-proclaimed nerd, have not seen all of the movies.

Commence groaning.

In the month since the seventh installment was released, I have been exposed to more Star Wars than I have been in years.  And through this exposure, I'm starting to think I have seen them. Or at least I know what I need to know: use the Schwartz and the one guy is the other guy's dad.

See? I got it. 

But as we talked about the movies, I mentioned how, despite seemingly universal dislike, I wanted to watch the prequels because 1) I am required to and 2) Natalie Portman.

And as I explained this to him, I found myself saying something like this:  "If you haven't noticed by now, all of my favorite characters as a kid were the women. And they still are. Mostly girls who kick ass or girls who are nerds. Preferably girls who are nerds who kick ass, because that is who I am."

He laughed and said this:  "Of course. I mean, how dare you like characters that you identify with and want to be like?"

I don't think he knows how much I have been thinking about this comment. 

I mean yes. Identity has a lot to do with it. 

I like the character Velma from Scooby-Doo because she was a smart female character who was loved by her friends and was necessary in solving mysteries. I felt a similar thing with Hermione Granger. 

Over and over I identified with female characters because of things like this.

So when he said this out loud, it struck me as to just how much I have perceived this as a bad thing. As in, I have trained myself to think that enjoying these characters (and sometimes real people) to the extent I do is embarrassing. 


But as I've thought about it further, I have found myself thinking more and more that it's not just about identity. It's about simply liking the character.




Take Velma for instance. I have many reasons and stories that defend why I like this character. But as my love of Scooby-Doo re-surged at the end of last year, I found myself watching the live action Scooby-Doo movies from the early 2000's more and more, and with that came more and more thought as to why I was doing so.

Now, don't get me wrong. I am a twenty year old woman who watched those two movies more times than I care to admit over break. That is definitely part of why I came up with explanations to defend it. 

But more and more I caught myself ruminating on the reasons as to why I was watching the character Velma so closely. Was it strictly for fanfiction-writing purposes? Was it identity? Did/do I have a crush on the character/actress?

The answers to all of those questions is maybe. However, all of those questions pose an even larger question, which my boyfriend's comment has made me consider so much:

Why was I making up reasons to explain my interest in the character?

Or more appropriately... 

Why do I feel shameful for simply liking the character I like?


Brene Brown says that shame is what makes us say "I am not ____ enough" or "they might not like me because ____".

Of course, shame sounds like a powerful word for my silly little feelings about liking female characters. Perhaps embarrassment is a better word. 

But what if it's not shame I feel about enjoying certain characters, actors, etc.?

What if I feel shame for just enjoying myself?

That's crazy right? I mean, anyone who knows me knows that I enjoy having fun and being entertained as well as entertaining others. But this goes beyond just enjoying things. 

It means that if I show people how much I truly enjoy things, then I am showing them my true authentic self. I am showing them all the parts of me that I hide because I  fear that I am too much for anyone to love. 

In other words, my shame, my embarrassment about showing how much I like things comes from a fear that being myself will lead to disconnection from those I like or love. That they will say "you are too much and no one can possibly love you for everything you are" and leave my life forever. 





Huh.

Well. 

That wasn't supposed to happen. 


Here's a picture of a dog to make it better:



Now you all know what my biggest fear in life is.

Haha.

Great.

What better way to be vulnerable, right?

Well, in a manner of speaking, yes. Being vulnerable is what allows for the human need that is connection. And by inadvertently sharing that which makes me feel shame, I am in a position in which I can address it and use it to make me feel more connection to those I love. 

I truly didn't mean for that to happen. This was supposed to be a feminist discussion about female characters and why I felt weird admitting how much I liked them. I was even going to use this gif:



Well, I guess I still did. But it certainly was not in the way I had intended.

But you know, looking at that gif and at Yet-Another-Female-Character-I-Like-Too-Much, it makes me think again about my original point and how it connects to shame.

Maybe part of why I like these characters so much is that I see them as awesome ladies who I want to be like. And as Leslie says, sometimes people object to powerful depictions of awesome ladies. Maybe those people are the people I fear I may disconnect from if I share my passions and live as true to myself as I can.

But maybe if those are the people I'd be disconnecting from that means I'm just another one of those awesome ladies too.